Monologue jokes I submitted to Talk Hard on April 5, 2013

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So I’m now a senior writer for Talk Hard, a Friday late night talk show at ComedySportz in Chicago. In addition to writing and pitching video segments, sketches, desk pieces and fun characters for the show, I’m one of many writers who gets to send in 20 monologue jokes every Friday.

The head writers and host go through them and pick the dozen or so they’ll use for that night’s show. I thought I’d throw up my favorite ones from my last batch of submissions. In the future, if any make the show, I’ll bold them.

The parents of a disabled boy who was kissed and blessed by the Pope on Easter say they’re ecstatic the pontiff spent time with their son, marking this as the first time ever parents were happy about a Catholic leader kissing their child.

North Korea announced today they’re continuing their latest escalation toward war by moving some missiles. North Korean officials boasted they were able to move the missiles with only sixteen oxen.

U.S. intelligence says North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un is trying to appear “tough” to his citizens. Sources say the dictator plans to next buy a motorcycle and a chain for his wallet.

President Obama spent some time this week in California, discussing the dangers of climate change. He also said if North Korea doesn’t settle down, they’ll really understand the dangers of climate change.

New York City fast food workers are on strike, demanding salary increases. If they don’t get it, they said they’ll make everyone’s life terrible by changing their Facebook photos to the same thing.

Recently fired Rutgers head basketball coach Mike Rice issued a short apology today after he was fired for abusing his players. Here’s the exact speech: Gay slur, thrown basketball, gay slur, gay slur, punch a teenager, gay slur, upset UConn that one time.

Lance Armstrong has pulled out of a swimming competition in Austin after people complained he was allowed to compete in a sport. It’s too bad, really, because Armstrong was planning on trying out his new secret propellers.

Jersey Shore’s Snooki gave JWOWW’s new baby some money to start a college fund. Snooki just wants the baby to have the opportunities she never had — sleeping with men in a college setting.

Justin Bieber recently was allowed to tattoo someone at a New York tattoo parlor. So now girls don’t have to inflict scars on their own bodies — the Biebster can do it directly to them.

A recent survey said a majority of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. The survey also said the same majority of Americans could really go for Taco Bell right now.

Florida’s Supreme Court said an undocumented immigrant who applied for a law license in that state can’t be admitted to the bar. But sources say the Supreme Court also ruled it’s okay for him to clean their houses for an incredibly low wage.

In solidarity with furloughed federal workers, President Obama said he would be giving back 5 percent of his salary. Not to be outdone, congressional Republicans demanded he instead give it to rich people.

McDonald’s says a cashier job posting at one of their Massachusetts restaurants that said applicants were required to have a bachelor’s degree was actually an error. What they meant to put was all applicants are required to have been failed by our country’s public school system.

The parents of a disabled boy who was kissed and blessed by the Pope on Easter say they’re ecstatic the pontiff spent time with their son. But the parents do wish he hadn’t taken all of his candy.

A Denny’s in Las Vegas just performed its first wedding in a chapel built near to the restaurant’s dining area. So now we know the plot to The Hangover III.

Bank of America has unveiled new live chat ATMs, where you can now talk to a teller in a video chat. Great, now we won’t even know if the people helping us are wearing pants.

  1. andyboyleisntfunny posted this
Andy Boyle is a writer, stand-up comedian and web developer living in Chicago, Illinois.

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