Monologue jokes for Jan. 7, 2013

After taking a break on Sunday, here’s the latest batch of monologue jokes:

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton got a football helmet as a gift from her staff today, after she returned to work following a concussion that led to a blood clot in her head. Former president Bill Clinton then urged her to try the helmet on and see if she could feel this here baseball bat.

Justin Bieber got a tattoo of a Native American in full headdress on his back this week. In response, a few Native Americans got a tattoo on their backs saying, “Crappy music.”

The Biebster’s also in the news because TMZ apparently has photos of him smoking what their sources say is marijuana. Bieber’s apparently planning on releasing an album of Phish cover songs.

Men in Black 3 star Josh Brolin was arrested for alleged public intoxication following a New Years celebrations. Thankfully the cops were busy arresting him and missed the rest of us.

Police say Brolin was arrested shortly before midnight. Hopefully he still got his New Years Eve kiss from a cellmate.

Recently divorced Heidi Klum told a magazine she doesn’t think she’ll get married again. Who can blame her? When you’ve already married Seal, clearly you’re scarred by marriage.

Al Roker told an interviewer that he once pooped his pants while at the White House. What this has to do with the weather, we have no idea, but thanks for letting us know, Al.

Following Roker’s announcement, dozens of other television broadcasters said they had done the same thing, only from their mouths and with words.

A millionaire in China works six days a week as a sanitation employee to set a good example for her kids. Donald Trump said he was following the millionaire’s example and hiring her to clean his estate.

The baseball field made famous by the movie “Field of Dreams” has been sold to an investor group. The new owners plan to have a ride where you can choke on a hot dog and an antiquated doctor saves your life.

The mother of reality TV star Honey Boo Boo said the Piglet-wannabe and her sisters have trust funds they can’t touch until they’re 21. Which is sad, really, because we know none of these kids are making it to 21.

Ticketmaster accidentally sold out tickets to President Obama’s inauguration earlier than planned, angering many would-be buyers. Speaker of the House John Boehner was said to have cried over it.

But don’t worry, Speaker, you can probably get some tickets on Craigslist.

Scientists say billions of Earth-sized planets have been found in our galaxy, and all of them found a quick and easy way to deal with their own fiscal cliffs.

The Senate approved an aid bill for the Earth-sized planets, but the House is still holding out on helping New Jersey.

A woman was awakened by her hissing cat this weekend and discovered a six-foot-python wrapped around her 2-year-old, thus proving yet again why you should never, ever visit Australia.

The mother told a TV station when she woke up she thought she was having a nightmare. No, the TV crew responded, you just live in Australia.

Andy Boyle is a writer, stand-up comedian and web developer living in Chicago, Illinois.

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